Monday, October 25, 2010

Horror Trolls

Okay, so I have this habit of calling crap movies trolls. In my opinion they are trolls, they live on the bottom shelf at your videostore, if you pick one up you have to put it back because it's so freakin ugly and if you actually watch one it may eat your soul. Haha! JK. So here are some of the worst horror movies I've seen.

Thir13een Ghosts
This looked so promising when I first spied it. I love haunted house horrors so a haunted house movie with 13 different ghosts sounded awesome. I was so wrong. Thir13een Ghosts is one of the biggest troll movies I've ever seen. It's almost as if the director got together with a bunch of people and said "Let's irltroll cinemas with this, it'll be so shit they'll have to laugh." Unfortunately no, it's so bad that it's not even funny bad. It's just bad. I don't really want to waste any more of my life on this film so I'm going to move onto the next troll. 

I'm from New Zealand and there is nothing I love more than a good kiwi film. This is not one of them. & as bad as I feel dissing a nz movie it has to be done. Diagnosis:Death has Jemaine, Rhys and Bret from Flight Of The Conchords in it. This troll succeeds in enticing you under its bridge with the cute and talented New Zealand actors and actresses, unfortunately the storyline makes you run screaming like a little child that's just seen a Taniwha. Two people meet in a weekend drug trial and they must figure out if the drug is giving them hallucinations or if the hospital is HAUNTED. Diagnosis:IDK really. I bought this, it is shit, but it is kinda tolerable thanks to the great acting. 

I'm gonna be really honest here. I fucking love this movie. I love it mainly for the brilliant acting but the awesome storyline. Teeth is a total irltroll. It entices you in with a cute girl, promise of lots of sex scenes and some good old blood and gore. What it doesn't tell you is how freaking awesome the main character is. I consider Teeth a troll movie because in plot summaries and trailers it doesn't really show a good summary of the movie. They show/talk about lots of lovely cinematography (true) and the awesome feminist perspective of the film BUT what the trailers and summaries don't tell you is the incest, penis gore, rape, gross old men, dog eating dick, dog eating pierced dick, etcetc.
Also, this movie is great for irltrolling if you wanna make a guy cringe. Ladies, get your husbando/boyfriend to watch this with you. They will crap themselves.


  1. "the incest, penis gore, rape, gross old men, dog eating dick, dog eating pierced dick, etcetc."

    I've heard of Teeth, but I was afraid to watch it, and now I'm terrified...

  2. I've heard about Thir13een Ghosts being absolutely shit, but I've been keen on watching Teeth for a while! Looks like fun ;D

  3. Okay now I really want to watch teeth. Hard Candy freaked me out with their penis scene but this sounds way better.

  4. LOL! Thank you for this post XD What a great name for crappy films, haha.

    Also Teeth is definitely a troll movie. I watched it at first thinking it was just some teen movie, but DAMN it got crazier and crazier.

    My favorite part was when the doctor screamed, "VA-GI-NA DEN-TAAAA-TAAAAAAAA!"

  5. How dare you 13 Ghosts is an amazing movie - Monk and Shaggy were fantastic!

  6. I LOVE TEETH, it's so campy and hilarious. Last week I forced my boyfriend to watch it with me, his expression was so funny. Following~ you have good tastes.